Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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7:30 am - the next girl
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Who kisses me, grabs my dick, and then tells me that we can't have sex I am punching in the face. It is just getting too confusing for me to keep up with.
I understand boundaries and getting to know someone slowly but then dont touch me. If your hand is my dick I am not listening to anything you are saying anyways so it is completely counter productive. It just creates angry frustration that just kind of builds with mixtures of unnecessary levels of testosterone.
Last I asked her to be my girl friend so we can be officially dating. I thought it couldn't her my chances for sex because I thought since she keeps rubbing my balls that she liked me. Then she tells me that she has a hard time trusting me because of the one guy I hooked up with. She knew that about me since day one. That would be a reason not to even go out on the first date.
There really shouldn't be any confusion about weather or not I like her. She has seen my erections. And I can cheat on her with a girl as easily as any guy. Ok, maybe not as easily but you guys understand cheating is cheating regardless of who it is.
Does anyone think I could be a successful cheater? Am I not completely honest about all the things i have done and want to do? Do I ever come off as a person who hides there feelings well or even remotely keeps a secret well?
Is there a sign on my back that says "indecisive girls only".
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your thought
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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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5:08 pm - at some point
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I was angry at every one on this trip. But it wasn't anyone on the trip. It was me. I never felt that I could fit in so I didn't even try to. There was an assumption that was me prejudging everyone. Now that I just feel the complete opposite.
There are people who I like more than others but everyone here I enjoy. This feeling is a much better feeling by far and I am going to try work towards this. I think it is those golden panties of mine that brought me out of my shell. There is really no reason to ever wear anything else.
The most confidence I ever have is when I am naked. Seriously, it is a very magical things when my balls hit the air. What more can i possibly say to make things more awkward than that. There is a freedom I have when people don't actually listen to what I am saying. And really who can possibly listen when gold is being flapped around.
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1 people think 0j0 your thought
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Monday, November 9th, 2009
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5:00 pm - halloween
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I want some piercings and a tattoo. I think its word that I can eat pork and commit sodomy my whole life but it's the piercings and tattoos that keep me from being buried with my people.
My left eye brow and re pierce two piercings in my left ear. And I think on my hip right at my pants line I want to tattoo. Of what I am not sure. I want to avoid something cliche but I was thinking of something tribal. Something of the Cohen tribe.
If you ever want to see hear something funny. Listen to me date in Hebrew. Often I am not even saying words just making sounds that I thought were words.
Also, if you wondering how I met this girl. Think golden under wear. It is a wonder why I wear anything else. Those underwear break the language barrier. Lets just hope I dont talk myself out of this one. The positive side is she speaks a little more English than I speak Hebrew so we spend a lot of time not understanding each other. I think it is best if I am not understood.
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1 people think 0j0 your thought
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Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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4:54 pm - filling with a jealous rage
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So there I am at a party with no pants and all the girls I kind of knew were getting drunk and hooking up with the Isreali males there. That is when I start to fill with a jealous rage. No story that is told me should start with "I just made out with the cutest boy ever". That is a lie because then you would be making out with me and then you wouldn't even have to say it because I would know already.
It has been pretty cold lately, cloudy and rainy. This is probably the happiest I have ever been since I got here. For some reason I hate the sun shine and just want to wear jackets every day. When this is over I will go to the mountains in the north and be a LumberJew. Where I will protect the people from bears and sharks.
I have been teaching a lot lately. Today I think I hit a breaking point and the teachers were very understanding. School should be an option. Those that want to learn will go and learn and the rest should join the work force. Its a good balance and would ease up the school system.
There aren't really any stories for me to tell and I am not sure why. Maybe I'll do something exciting later.
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your thought
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Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
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8:28 am - mudhoney
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This was my first grundge show.
I found myself crowd surfing and it was the longest I have ever been in the air with out a plane. Through no choice of mine I was headed toward the stage. There was a panic because I thought I was gonna crash into the band. They did not look like they were about to stop playing to let me land on stage. When it all looked too grim a roady pushed me back into the crowd.
That is when I found myself falling head first into the mosh pitt. Somebody caught me at the knees where I lost all the change in my pocket and then pulled me back into the crowd surf. These Israelis really know the meaning of forced volunteering.
I remember in the mosh pitt somebody through a child into me. What if that had killed me? Do you think it would help the pro lifers or the pro choicers?
Well you see doctor clearly this boy's life could have been saved if this child was properly removed from his chest cavity.
or
Well you see priest it is better they both died as to prevent this was everyone goes to heaven.
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Saturday, October 24th, 2009
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3:48 pm - new rules
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Massages are a gift. Complaining about not getting them only makes me not wanna give them.
When making fun of people, only make fun of the qualities a person can control like grammar. Making fun of someones height is wrong and makes me feel dirty.
I never do anything drunk that I didn't want to do sober. I just do it with the skills of a drunk man. When drinking I only ever just become drunk. All question answered and things said I would say sober I would just say them quieter.
Telling me not to do something only makes me want to do it more.
Stop asking if I'm having sex. When It happens I'm pretty sure I will tell everyone.
On why I'm not having sex. I think it is pretty obvious. I lack most of the social graces people use to convince someone to get naked for them.
More empathy is needed for someone who acts differently. When you have friends time can move like nothing else but when you are alone time travels like it isn't moving at all. Sometimes we are most alone when we are around people we cant be honest with.
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your thought
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Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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5:40 pm - super international jazz festival
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The only reason other countries even talk to each is because of the effect the US had on the world. If US wasn't awesome then no foreign body would even consider the other ones existence. We would have just sit back and watch German and England exploit the world economically and slowly turn the planet into either a Deuste mandate or British mandate. With tons a genocide in the process.
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your thought
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Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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5:06 pm - why i like oral sex
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Because I enjoy eating and I enjoy sex.
Combining the two not only saves me time but saves the environment hard to dispose of babies who only further the destruction of the rain forest. So deep down inside I am an environmentalist.
Today I met some Germans. They are a quiet reserved people who constantly remind me how they are not Nazis and that they dont support genocide. The more they deny it the more I think they are regressing. It's like saying you are not gay especially when no one is asking.
They are a very quiet and reserved people who don't understand sarcasm. The polar opposite of Israelis. The reaction the Germans had to Israelis was very comical to watch especially since I think it only made the Germans hate Israel. Something I think they were trying their hardest to avoid.
It is always funny to see the world use English as the common language. No Israeli bothered to learn German and no German bothered to learn Hebrew. They both just learned English. The world has conveniently made itself accessible to America. It makes me very proud of my country when I am part of something like this.
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Monday, October 12th, 2009
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6:09 pm - plans
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Plan A includes a pengiun, a kosher ham, and four pairs of socks.
Plan B includes a guitar, an amp, and a stadium filled with angry Palestinians.
Plan C includes a two girls, one French and one Dutch, who can tie cherry stems into knots with their tongues. Preferably through team work.
Once my scholar ship is up my options come down to a few things. I can quickly do my army time, which would be only six months for me, and then go to school next fall, which would be free. I would study education of some sort. This teaching thing is groove tastic. This one might require me to return home for a month and stock up on calories.
I can go to the north in the mountains where it snows in the winter and join a kibbutz. Maybe falling in love with the life style and making a permanent change. Maybe being the resident musician. Every farm needs a player to keep the rats from over running the food stocks.
There is this option of staying in this city and teach music privately. Apparently there aren't any music teachers around. The volunteer places I think want me to spend more time with them but I am not sure.
The problem with plan A is the army life. I dont think I am a soldier but it is only six months.
The problem with plan B is money. Food and housing are great but eventually I think I might want to buy a few a things like a car or a computer. I feel even if it isnt permanent I should do it for a little while. Especially in the winter while it snows.
The problem with plan C is the uncertainty. If they want me to stay they should pay me to stay in order so I can live and not be homeless and teaching music privately is so unreliable. Less reliable than lets say being a real estate. At least in real estate you can still live in a worthless home.
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Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
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5:14 pm - tel aviv
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I met a sax player at Lawrence and he recommended a bar in Tel Aviv called Shablul. It was one of those tradition jazz places with an open jam on Monday. The only comparison I have for it is Churchills and the musicians were less talented. It looked like highschool kids were playing when at Churchills it was College kids but was it was nice. It was very yofi.
When I got there I hoofed it to Joshes where a beer and shot of vodka later we headed towards port, where the bars are. Josh was more interested in these two girls that walked in to Shablul than the actual music so he sat down to start talking to them. I kind of wanted to appreciate the music but I can never really pass up a chance to meet a girl so I sat down and started talking too.
After little while of boring conversations about all the stuff I dont care about I mention I've been wanting to go to a gay bar and find a boy friend to buy me things. She then asks me if I have a problem with lesbians. I do have a problem with lesbians but for very complicated reasons but I didn't say that. I said the complete opposite which was that lesbians are great for very simple reasons. She told me to come with her to a lesbian bar this Friday and then gives me her number.
The first number I girl I meet in Israel and shes a Lesbian. I think lord wants me to join the priest hood. Then I spent the rest of the night awkwardly wondering through the city by myself.
My next night in Tel Aviv was more tragic then anything.
I dont think anyone is getting it. I have been on my best behavior. If Mary can quote the normal irrationally angry person I am. My behavior so far has been the behavior I generally reserve for when I'm dating someone. Usually when dating someone it either ends or goes somewhere so eventually I can take off the filter. Here it is like this five month 24 hour first date. It is a lot of pressure to keep up a relationship with this many people. Especially when a lot of these girls could care less about my feelings.
I was pretty much pushed last night in Tel Aviv. My reaction I think was very appropriate but I did find my self wandering the city alone. It led to a relatively interesting mediation of the city streets.
I am completely blown away by the amount of crack heads I run into at night. There was a guy dressed like a traditional orthodox who I thought would be safe for me to talk. That was pretty deceiving. Also, my new favorite hobby is to talk broken Hebrew with drunks walking out the clubs. Drunks talk so simply. They are the best people to practice with especially because since they are so engaging.
I love the dirty cities. Especially when they are crowded and packed full of homeless falling asleep on the streets. If I have kids that is where I would raise them. A place where there is risk of them making a wrong decisions.
The nights are getting cooler. From now on I am going to wear my jackets out.
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Friday, October 2nd, 2009
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7:50 am - events of the world
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There is this troubled youth place that I volunteer at. They know I'm a musicians and I offered my skills to teach basic music theory. They want to try and use music to govern the morals. They want me to give a speech about how it is important to avoid drug abuse. I dont think I morally sit there and tell kids to avoid pot. Dont smoke pot or elses you might end up like Obama and Phelps.
I started to give speeches in the high school about life in America. A lot of them are under the impression that America is financially better for people. Private health care and private transportation is very expensive and despite the higher incomes those aspects are bankrupting the nation. That is the point I try to get across but I really do enjoy America and love the country. I love our cheap calories. America has the cheapest calories in the world. I would come home right now just to eat a house made of bacon.
I feel like I'm always being watched in this house. Everything I do is being judged and critiqued. It is like living in a house filled with Tinas. Up till now I have been trying to get along and I'm giving up on that. I have the made the friends that I enjoy to be with and the getting along with anyone else has lost its charm. If only there was one Amanda in the house.
Tomer wanted me to write about him. At first I didn't like him until he got drunk and went skinny dipping and I was thinking maybe this guy isn't so bad. It is funny how seeing someone naked changes my opinions of them.
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Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
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3:20 pm - translation
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I was shredding some tunes on the balcony and the neighbor's sons heard me. I thought they asked me if I could teach them music and wanted to say "as long as it is fine with your mother". Too bad the only words I knew added up to "your mother is fine." I repeated that as many times as it was needed. I would like to meet their mother so I could see if she actually is fine.
At an open stage after I played a girl sitting at the bar started to talk to me. I can barely translate Hebrew and even less if it is inebriated Hebrew. My response was to smile politely. Eventually there was a pause I said thank you and walk away. She could have been saying anything and I mean anything.
I support Palestine .
I want to suck your dick.
I have a mess dildos I've been meaning to try.
The weather has cooler out.
You are good at guitar.
These are just a few things I thought later that she might have said.
Even though I couldn't respond appropriately this was the first time an Israeli girl that I didn't know talked to me without being part of the program. It gives me hope that I might be able to meet a girl here. It gives me a goal to learn the language. Be able to flirt is a much more motivating goal than fitting in with the local culture. Cause seriously when do I ever care to fit in.
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Sunday, September 13th, 2009
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6:56 pm - the golan heights
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It was such a nice trip and their was plenty of things for me to write that would be funny like how I asked a girl for her number and said lets go to a gay bar some time and try to meet guys.
The trip became a downer after we lost a group member. The person that we lost was the person who had the ability to get along with everyone. He was such a charmer that it was devastating for us to believe that he could have done something wrong. Suddenly we all stat jumping to rash conclusions about how this was the fault of some one else.
When no one else came forward with the guilt we started to blaming the administration of the organization. And that is when the rumors became vicious. In a group as small as we are rumors travel faster than the internet. I know how hard it is to not believe a friend but if someone tells that someone told them a fact it stops being a fact. Hear/say is not fact. But we all wanted to believe he was innocent and that he would come back to us. Which is hard to say about anyone else in this program. That is how magical this guy was.
A lot of angry emails were written and now instead of just him being in trouble we are all kind of in trouble. Things have become like big brother where we are constantly reporting in to stuff. It really goes to show bad rumors are. Especially for us because of how we only know each other out here.
Often enough I hear through the grape vine of something I said that I never said. Any fight I get into with someone on a private level becomes a bigger thing because everyone wants to know. Having your life being watched so closely makes you very self conscience. Being this self conscience can be kind of insane. I suddenly realize why so many of the girls I dated were crazy. They were driven that way by their friends gossip.
The best way for this program to succeed and for the group to stay happy being here is for us to start filtering out what is actual fact from what is just someone body talking. What I write is not fact , it is just me writing. A girl complaining about a boy friend is not fact it just her venting. A bunch of people sitting around talking about the person who isnt there is not fact it is just the natural assholeness of human nature. These are things that need to be forgotten and should be used just for the moment.
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2 people think 0j0 your thought
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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
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6:43 am - things are complicated
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I haven't had any hook ups since I arrived and it is slowly building up. Building up more than I expected more than I have ever built up in a month. This much build up effects the thought process. By causing dreams like how I was the guy from 500 days of summer and my ex girl friend was summer and I how constantly recollect the events of the actually summer.
Now over the summer I had three hookups, two girls and one guy. Of the three hookups the only one who I had was capable of giving me an orgasm was the guy. This complicates things on so many levels because it isn't that I'm gay because that would be too simple and god doesn't like simple. There is definitely a girl on the trip that gives me fucking butterflies and I totally get erections for her all the time. Which causes me to reach other conclusions about my dick.
Is my dick so use to masturbating that it requires a man hand to feel comfortable enough to finish? Does it require a person with an extensive knowledge of penis to know the mechanical nature of the male body? Is it a muscle thing because of those lexapros from the summer time that it took over come the power of the pill? Because that would be the best conclusion considering I have been off of those for about month so my penis would be back to normal. It would be ok to try and get laid cause my penis would be back to normal. Considering there is a normal when it comes to my penis.
This raises philosophical questions about sex. Does penis not care about my heart? Because if it doesn't then that would make my penis super greedy. It gets all the attention all the time and my heart gets maybe a blog once a week. Once a week my heart gets to write something so it can feel better but usually and by usually I mean every time it is about my dick. Maybe once a week is not enough to content the closeted sensitive pussy I am.
Dicks are greedy greedy assholes that love attention. Dicks are spoiled by their sensitive pussies that they call master beaters.
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Saturday, September 5th, 2009
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6:14 pm - language
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My incentive to stay grows as my grip on the language increases. I more dont want to go home then actually move here. If there was a third option that didn't suck I would go there. The land of sodomy and pork would be defiantly be my first choice.
I was thinking of opening a bed and breakfast here. House of Sodomy and Pork. The sodomy is free but the pork you have to pay for. So it turns out that this country has out lawed pigs to touch the soil. I find that discriminatory considering dogs and horses are allowed to walk around and they are equally as unkosher.
It isn't even that I wish to eat pork. Just it would be nice if I could have a pet who I could relate to. I feel like I could relate to a pig. They just seem the animal that I would have the most kinship with.
Dogs never take the time to reflect upon their world and as free as they are they don't seem to care about the future.
Cats are assholes.
Horses are too much of a tool.
Fish failed the first test of life and that is to filter oxygen from the air.
Insects failed the second test of life and that is not to be the base of the food chain.
Birds have an extra dimension to consider. I like my plainer existence and wish not to travel up the z axis.
The other animals are aware of their failed companionship. Israel should probably rewrite some of their laws in order to make things more secular like letting gays marry and letting public transport to run on Saturday.
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Monday, August 31st, 2009
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5:01 pm - so far on this trip
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A girl from this trip posted a picture of me sleeping with the sub title my baby is sleeping. When everyone read that they implied that we were dating. I was away for the weekend so I was shocked when my house walked up to me started asking me about her.
The next day I asked her to change the text and it became an argument about how I was over reacting. She goes as far to tell me that it meant she was jokingly pretending to be my mother. That I found even more offensive. Considering how much I don't even like my mother calling me her baby.
I don't ever think owner ship of a person is funny, especially that someone would own me.
Especially then I wanted her to take it down, I never wanted to be reminded of it. She is this girl with absolutely no empathy and she made it grow into such a huge argument. It could have been so easy just to change the text but then she started posting more texts about what I said to her.
This is a girl without absolutely no sense. Talking to her is like talking to a sixteen year old but she's 25. She is also always grabbing me and rubbing my legs or head. Things that I have told her to stop doing since she started. Again, me wanting personal space was over reacting. She kept telling me it was friendly touching but I have never touched my friends the way she touches me or if I did it is because I secretly wanted to have sex with them.
I have encountered these things before ... in high school. Where a girl will sit there and tell me she isn't interested in me but then rub the inside of my thigh. I know an accidental penis grab when I feel it and that wasn't it.
Right now I am trying my hardest to keep my space but it becomes increasingly difficult when she says she has a sandwich for me. Food really gets in the way of my best judgement. A lot of people think it is sex but I can say no to sex especially if the girl bothers me. A sandwich on the other hand will keep me coming back to a bad relationship.
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4 people think 0j0 your thought
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2:41 pm - at the wall
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There are people posing as charities asking for money and this guy walks up to me asking for change. And I start saying in Spanish that I don't speak English. After ten minutes of "No Habla Ingles" this friend of his walks up to me and asks me in English,"Oh you are Spanish where are from?"
In my genius I answered him in English that I was from america and that I only took a few Spanish classes and then at the end of the conversation he asks me for some change. I respond,"No Habla Ingles."
Sometimes I out smart even myself.
At the Wall I started getting angry. Anger based on my guilt of masturbation and I masturbate a lot so it is a lot of guilt. The feeling is if I except this wall as significant or I except my religion as important then I the amount I masturbate would be a problem for the lord.
I dont really believe in an Omniscient bean. The god I would believe in would be the god described in in the old testament because that is god is worth listening to because he'll kill and then pee on your body. A balanced universe with universe being controlled by a fair and just laws is not really what I think about when I think of God. God to me is the god that is upset that I masturbate instead of getting girls pregnant. I don't think I can stop masturbating but I don't ever want to stop being Jewish and this is what upsets me.
If I have children that end up being gay or something what do I tell them. "Just ignore that one line from the Torah about homosexuals but the rest of it is OK. " Doesn't that sound a bit hypocritical to call something infallible and then not listen to it.
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1 people think 0j0 your thought
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Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
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5:10 pm - the teacher
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Assigned the home to write a paragraph in past tense Hebrew. My first line of the paragraph in Hebrew was, "I just flew in from Tel Aviv and boy are my arms tired." The teacher crossed out that line and said not funny and rewrote it as "I am tired". I then walked back to my desk crying. Sometimes all I am is funny and if I'm not that then I'm pretty useless.
Last night I dreamed about my ex girl friend and woke up all covered in nervous around five am. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I'm going to dream about her.
I've been wondering the city aimlessly alone. This is probably the fastest way for me learn the language especially if I need directions.
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5 people think 0j0 your thought
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Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
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5:04 am - at the hostel
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I met an Austrian guy at the Hostel and he bought me a beer. We talked about our governments and the taxes. Austria has fifty percent taxes. Which means for half a year his parents would work for the government and the other half they worked for themselves. This seemed to a problem for him despite the free college, free health care, and great public transportation.
I spend so much time working and paying for all that stuff privately that it adds way up to more than half my pay check. If I were able to keep half my money at the end of the day for expendable cash that would be a fucking dream.
Taxes are higher here especially on things that are not required like soda and candy. The government creates subsidies on bread, fruits, and milk so these things are actually cheaper here. If I miss one thing from America it is walking through the store with a dollar and buying more candy than I can ever possibly eat.
One night the house was all drinking at some bar and I wandered out of it drunk and around the corner to a schnitzel place. The guy spoke the best English I have ever heard so we started talking about stuff. Governments can better spend their money investing into Mexico, North Africa, or Palestine rather than building walls the keep them out. These people aren't invading for the sake of war. They just want a chance for a safe existence.
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Thursday, August 20th, 2009
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1:00 pm - what a beach
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There i am with Rebby at the beach one Saturday and there were these speedo cladded older men. They call us over and just started handing us beers and food. After the shock of the food wore off I started noticing the amount of talking they were trying to have with Rebby. Rebby is this attractive blond girl I'm sharing with the house. She realized the attention was getting and felt uncomfertable but I wasn't ready to leave because the food was amazing. If she was girl friend I would have happily traded her for the picnic. That is how good things tasted.
The right blond could rule this town so easily.
I've never my whole life been surrounded by this many drunk horny girls. Even when I was at ucf, the ratio of horny drunk girls to males was considerably less. Sometimes I think it would be so easy just convince someone to have sex with me but I am not exactly sure I'm ready for a five month relationship in the same house based on sex. Some thing tells me I might not be having sex for a few months.
I am so glad I had a surplus of orgasms this summer.
Last week was a pretty bad week for me. Things have gotten considerably better for me once I figured out a few words and the buses. Despair is a feeling that I kind of let take over and it leads to panicking.
My house is similar to a frat house. There is lots of drinking going on and strangers are coming by all the time. These kids are too cool for me. Deep down all I want is a few nerds to hang out with and to practice with. Eventually my not drinking with them might turn a certain level animosity towards me. Especially cause get I invited often enough.
If only Mary was here so she can drink my beers for me.
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